September

I can't sleep!! I really don't like this month and would completly skip it altogether if I could. Not that I want to remove the memories for they are so predcious to me I would just love to remove the pain. I still rememeber everything so vividly and the closer we get to the 28th the harder the nights sttll get. You would think that 7 years later it would get easier and I keep waiting. I still remember the sono guy (Jason) telling me that there was no heart beat and the look on his face when he said he would look again or maybe he saw the look on my face. I remember not knowing how to feel and my ob asking if I was ready to hold her and I told him no and the nurses bringing her in anyways I am so gratefull that they did because those moments with her were amazing although too short. I wonder sometimes if she would have had the same personality and interests as Nikki or if she would have been just the opposite, or if they would have looked the same. Nichole speaks of Madison often and comments that she wishes her sister was alive still so that they could play dress up together and it makes my heart ache. Last year in kindergarten the kids all drew pictures of their families for a quilt and Nikki had drawn an angel in the sky to represent Maddi and it made me wonder if she still felt her presence within her. I will always remember Maddi and she will hold a special place in my heart forever.